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Dear Dolores, What Do I Do When I’m Not Attracted To My Spouse Anymore

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Dear Dolores,
I’ve been married to my spouse for over 5 years now. While our relationship has been great, we have 2 kids together, I’ve recently started to figure out that they just, how do I say it, don’t “get my motor running” anymore. 

I’ve learned there are certain things besides a good personality that I find attractive, and honestly my spouse just doesn’t check any of those boxes anymore. We’ve tried to spice things up with our love life but nothing is working for me and I feel they’ve already left their comfort zone. I’m worried if I admit these feelings of not finding them attractive anymore they may take things drastically wrong. 

Any advice on what I should do?
Thanks,
Anonnie Mouse

Dear Anonnie Mouse,
I suppose the first question is, what is your ideal outcome? Do you envision any kind of circumstance that would make you attracted to your spouse again? It sounds like you have not yet spoken to your spouse regarding your lack of attraction. However, it does sound like you have been trying things to help. If this relationship is worth trying to save, there are several things you can do to help. You might consider couples therapy, you might consider opening up your relationship to new partners. If it’s a matter of attraction and not compatibility, this may help. 

You will also need to decide if you want to remain with your spouse. Regardless of what you decide, direct and open communication is necessary for all parties. Consider how you would want to be treated if the situation were reversed. Let your spouse know how you’re feeling and what you would like to do about it. If this is the end of your relationship, be kind but firm. It won’t be easy or fun, but direct honesty is always the best policy in relationships. 
Love, Dolores


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