Oh, My Stars…

Weekly Horoscopes by Caridad Almendros

A lot is happening in the heavens this week!  Saturn goes into retrograde and we have a lunar eclipse in Sagittarius!  For us mere humans it means legal matters come into view, and connections are not favorable, so if you met someone special last week, hold off on popping the question, or any question, just yet.  Looking for something fun to do?  Check out your lucky misdeeds and see what you might be able to get away with unless LSPD reads this column and has it out for you!

For entertainment purposes only!  The writer is not responsible for the stars’ predictions or outcomes, follow the advice at your own discretion.

1. Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Betrayal hurts, I know, but for you, it’s extra extra.  It burns and twists and turns, bad enough to curse the betrayer for 5 generations.  But don’t jump to conclusions and say things you might regret.  Wait and see if things are what you think they are.    Lucky Misdeed:  You have that inside info, you know what’s going up or down, use it.

2. Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

It’s time to set the record straight.  No more gaslighting so you can shirk off the blame, Aquarius.  While most should shy away from commitments, it’s time you did the opposite and ripped off the bandaid.   Lucky Misdeed:  Got the codes?  Figured out that password?  You can get in, do what you must, and get out in the blink of an eye.

3.Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Stop looking at how green the grass is on the other side every time there’s a bump on the road, in this case, green is relative.  Deal with the issue and wait a week before deciding if you want to jump the fence.   Lucky Misdeed:  Wheelin and Dealin’ is your thing, just don’t sample the merchandise!

4. Aries (March 21-April 19)

The thrill of the chase and overcoming obstacles are what drives you, we all know that, once you beat the game it’s all over.  Pace yourself, make it last, that deal you are closing in on will be much much sweeter.  Lucky Misdeed:  You can set fire to the rain!  Burn baby burn.  It had to go down anyway.

5. Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You had your birthday cake, you took it all, but you don’t have to eat it all at once, and no, you don’t have to share.  Just save some later, freeze it so it doesn’t go bad.   Lucky Misdeed:  Be it Art or money, it’s yours this week.  You just have to go get it.  

6. Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Is it your birthday yet?  If so, Happy Birthday!  Kinda sucky that the stars are being buttheaded this week!  Not that you’d mind so much the lack of commitment, but the lack of choice is what bothers you.  Keep your head down and enjoy your birthday the way you were meant to–unencumbered!  If you are already partnered then perhaps go away together to celebrate.  Lucky Misdeeds:  If you are planning to be anyone’s getaway driver, this is the week for it

7. Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Stop being so crabby, Summer is almost here, Cancer.  You’ll be able to come out of your cave soon enough.    In the meantime… let it go, let it go… seriously.  Unclamp that pincher and let it go.  This is not the time to fight for whatever, as legal matters will complicate everything and you risk losing a leg or two.  Lucky Misdeeds:  You know that smuggling scheme you’ve been planning?  Now’s a good time. 

8. Leo (July 23-August 22)

I know you want to move on, but walking away without cleaning the slate will end badly for you.   Be honest, for once, and let them down gently because you might want them back!  Lucky Misdeeds:  You know that long-term scam you’ve been thinking about?   You so could pull that off this week!

9. Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Sometimes it’s okay to end things without having to talk and talk and talk and over-explain why you want to end things.   It will be alright and you’ll avoid the legal hassle that might come from that.  Lucky Misdeeds:  Your beautiful handwriting and that uncanny ability to copy *cough* forge *cough* other people’s signatures will favor you this week.

10. Libra (September 23-October 22)

Do you know how easily you slip in and out of things?  Not so much this week.  Someone just won’t let go, so let them down easily and avoid the black eye or the missing chunk of hair.   Lucky Misdeeds:  You know who to call and who needs what and how much they are willing to pay, making a tidy profit in the process.

11. Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Control, control, control… this week is no different, but especially so when it comes to relationships.  Make sure you are the one holding the leash, lest you get leashed instead.   Lucky Misdeed:  Bide your time, you’ll be Godfather soon enough.Numbers: 13, 70, 8

12. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Routine and boredom are not your things, I know, but hold off on any big decisions and changes this week, Sagittarius, you might regret any commitments (or commitment to walk away!) you make.  Lucky Misdeed:  Your stealth and agility favor you this week.  Look to dark alleys and street corners for your fortune or easy fix.