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Oh, My Stars…

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Weekly Horoscopes by Caridad Almendros

This week’s New Moon is a reminder that we need to enjoy the simple and cheap things in life and stop spending so much!  This entire moon cycle should be focused on re-evaluating that love-hate-love relationship we have with money and find out what really makes us happy–other than money!

For entertainment purposes only!  The writer is not responsible for the stars’ predictions or outcomes, follow the advice at your own discretion.

1. Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You only get away with so much because you surround yourself with people less calculating than you.  But beware, dear Capricorn, for this week you might just meet your match!  Karma is watching you!   Watch out for coyote poop and keep your boots clean!

2. Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

You might struggle a bit this week, but prioritize your tasks (or bills) and focus on one thing at a time, you should be fine.  Also, be mindful of what you say this week–your infamous communication skills (or lack thereof) might come back and bite you in the butt.

3.Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Fishies, Fishies… stop scouring the ocean floor looking for that easy coffer of gold.  Take aim for the surface and stop sharing your stash if you really want to fix this pickle you’ve gotten yourself into–and stop worrying, and start doing!

4. Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your innate YOLO attitude tends to get you into trouble and trust me, this is not the week to go on a bender at the nearest casino!  Harness that ram before it chews off your pockets (and everything in them!).  You’ll have to count on your raw-dogged ambition and wit to hold on to your pennies.

5. Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It may or may not be your birthday this week, Taurus, even if it’s not, we are close, yeah?  So let others do the spending for you!  Don’t argue with me or the stars, I know you want to–but you’ll just lose.  It’s time for you to sit back and hoard your dollars, and still eat all the cake you want– someone else’s expense.

6. Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini, listen up–both of you!  I know you struggle, one voice says “Buy, buy!”  while the other says “No, no!” Face it, the argument is getting out of hand.  Take control and find the happy medium–Agree that it’s shiny and you want it, and hope someone gets it for you for your upcoming birthday–if they don’t get it for you dump him or her and then agree to get it yourself.  Okay?

7. Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It’s time you stop being so crabby about your old shell.  Of course, you want a new one, who doesn’t?  But now is not the time!  You will be better off taking the one you have through the car wash–or better yet, give it a good scrub down yourself (work off some of that crabbiness) and think of inexpensive ways to spruce it up.   Anything you get now you will regret later.

8. Leo (July 23-August 22)

Ah, dear Leo, your vanity will be your downfall this week if you are not careful!  Remember the Emperor’s New Clothes?  Keep that in mind when you spend this week or you’ll end up as naked as The Emperor!   Avoid, or better yet, skip your weekly mane-grooming appointment this week or you can add bald to the nakedness.  It’s only one week, you’ll survive.

9. Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Virgo, sweetie, it’s time you stopped all that negative criticizing of how much people spend on frivolities and put your innate hardworking abilities to the test and show them.   Yes, you want that fancy new white dress, but you’ll find it on the clearance rack later!  If you do give in and buy it, don’t stand under any trees, I see bird poop in your near future.

10. Libra (September 23-October 22)

We all know that you have a penchant to pacify problems with kisses and cuddles (as long as it doesn’t mess up your hair), but this time your Sugar Daddy (or Momma) won’t be enough!  It might ruin your manicure, but you might have to work to avoid a nasty mark on your credit report.  Stay out of elevators and take the stairs, just keep blotting papers handy for the sweat.

11. Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

The only way sex is going to keep you out of financial trouble this week is if you charge for it (we all know you’d make a killing), but with this being the penny-pinchers’ dream week, you may not get far.  When that fails you can usually rely on your badassery, but not this time.  Lay low and pay your bills on time, you can get back to wielding your stinger around again soon.

12. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Calm down, I know patience is not one of your virtues, but don’t freak out, Sagittarius, this too shall pass.   Ignoring your creditors will only make it worse.  You were careless, and now it’s time to pay the piper.  Just sit down, take a deep breath and think.  Let your level head shine through this week, the answer is right at your fingertips.

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