Dear Karly: She’s Back #2

Hi. Me again. The goth girl from Twitter. You ever just have those days where you think, “Gosh, Dolores is really hot, I wanna do some of her pile of work so she’ll think I’m hot and decide to be polyamorous and go out on a date with me”? No? Oh. Well, I do! And I’m having one of those days, today. So, here’s another edition of ‘Dear Karly’!

Dear Dolores Karly,
I have the most beautiful car ever. We have a very special connection. How can I legally marry my car?
– Auto Addict

Dear Auto Addict,
How does that even work though. Like, how do you and the car… You know? And, do you have other cars? Do they get jealous? Or are you guys all in one big “poly-car”-bonate relationship? As far as the legality goes though, I mean, a lady married a rollercoaster before – But I don’t know if that was legally recognized. There’s not really any laws AGAINST it. But not really any laws FOR it, either. Hmmm. I’d say contact a lawyer! Maybe they can tell you it’s legal only for the federal government to strike it down and make you cry.

Dear Dolores Karly,
How can I become the tiger king of San Andreas
– Joe Exotic for President

Dear Dolores Karly,
I’ve recently been getting fashion advice from a friend (I’ll call him Glake) and it’s been going over really well. I’ve been getting compliments left and right and hardly anyone points out how big my face is anymore. I look good and there’s no denying it.
However as part of the process, Glake has been burning all my old tracksuits. I used to have over 15 beautiful sets, all from the old country, and now only have 2. Every day I wake up afraid I will have none and remembering who I used to be.
How do I choose between looking great, and feeling great?
– Troubled and Tracksuited

Dear Troubled and Tracksuited,
Sometimes you just gotta go outside and smell the roses burning tracksuits in the morning. Two tracksuits is more than enough, to be honest. Wash em regularly, though.

Dear Dolores Karly,
I am writing this for my friend who can’t read or write and he shall remain anonymous.
Dolores what’s the craic im Bosco Murphy. Just putting this out here I love killing snitches yeah and I’ll continue to do it. So all these bitch made rats you’re getting it haha
Also any chance I can get advice for being such a handsome bastard I’m fighting the women off me all d time cause I’m a famous gangster rapper
That’s it Dolores long time fan new time writer, Yup lad Bosco
– Tony 4 Fingers

Honestly though, the “fighting women off all the time” problem I can help you with – Just send them my way. I’ll make sure they’re taken care of!

Alright, phew, we did it! Another round of submissions done. Maybe this will be enough to impress Dolores? I hope so. Maybe if I just –
OH SHIT, MICKEY’S BACK AGAIN, THIS TIME FROM DETROIT – THEY STOLE HIS HAT, OH SHIT, OH FUCK, POST POST POST POST

Love, Karly