Dear Karly: Wait, What?

Hi. My name is Karly. Karly Stark. You might be wondering – Who the hell gave that girl her own column on the Weazel News website? The answer to that question is very simple: Nobody. I snuck into Mickey’s office to write this while he’s in Rhode Island or something. It seemed like Dolores needed someone to help her deal with the massive amount of submissions she’s getting, so I decided to help her out in the hopes that it would impress her so she’d go on a date with me. So, buckle your seatbelts, and get ready for some prime advice-giving from the self-proclaimed Queen of the Goths.

Dear Dolores,
why is the water salty in the Alamo Sea

– Confused Fisherman

First of all, my name is literally Karly. Not Dolores. Wtf. Stop getting your hot women mixed up. Anyways, the Alamo Sea? Easy. It’s because the Army of the Mid is right next to it in Sandy Shores, and we all know they’re the source of half the salt in San Andreas. Next question.

Dear Dolores Karly,
I’ve been seeing someone for the last year and I want to propose, the problem is she’s my Ex’s mother. What do I do?

– The Fact that I’m From Alabama is a Coincidence

Dr. Kristina Kane, M.D. | Psychiatrist | Supervisor at Parsons Rehabilitation Center | Available for counseling sessions | Available for Walk-Ins and Appointments | Please text 8390627712 for more information

Dear Dolores Karly,
Why do people hurt clowns? We just want people to smile, but they hurt us instead of smiles. I can’t take much more mean people

– Sad Clown

Because you’re fucking creepy and clowns kill people. Next question.

Dear Dolores Karly,
How do I get into organised crime?

– That Mafia Guy

Honestly all you have to do is come up with a gimmick, like a weird hat, and go hang out in public places. Pretty sure there’ll be like, a bidding war between the gangs for you.

Dear Dolores Karly,
I always felt a strong affinity with cats and indeed have desired to become a cat for many years, so I have been thinking of selling my house and moving in with a stranger I met on craigslist to become their live in cat but my parents are worried. What do you think?

– Felix Aline

Dear Dolores Karly,
Are my shorts too short ? or can i go shorter as a british man on holiday its my right to wear em and if you dont like it tough
– Short Shorts

Oh my god, who the hell cares, just wear your shorts and exist. You already said you’re gonna wear them either way, so you do you, boo. (Disclaimer: You are not my boo)

Dear Dolores Karly,
I’ve been fishing nonstop for the last week, and I keep coming back to the same spot in the Alamo Sea. At first, I thought it was because there was a fish that kept escaping me that I wanted to catch, but then I realized it was something more. This wily, slippery, gorgeous specimen of a fish is more than just a future meal – I think I’m in love. What do I do?

– Fin-Struck Lover

Okay first off, what the actual fuck. When the shark bitch from Finding Nemo said “fish are friends, not food”, I know for a fucking FACT that this is NOT what he meant. That character ‘the Deep’ from that show the Boys is NOT meant to be seen as a role model. I know these streets are cold, and women are hard to find – You’re welcome for that, I’ve been with most of them and they realized women are better – But there ain’t no way in HELL that turning to a goddamn fish is your only option.

Okay, I think that’s a good amount of submissions for my first go at this. Maybe it’ll impress Dolores enough that she’ll finally notice me. Wait fuck oh shit oh fuck Mickey is back from Rhode Island early, fuck post post post post post-

Love, Karly