Dear Dolores: Why Can’t Friends Stay Friends?

Dear Dolores,

So I broke off my engagement with my best friend because Im 99.9% sure I’m terrible with commitment and I felt like he was my rebound from my ex breaking up with me… He was the sweetest but could be a little overbearing at times, but when we broke it off, He said he never wanted to speak to me again….. 

So I ended up staying with my prior ex for the last couple of months. It’s been fine. We’ll call my ex Chad. Everything has actually been pretty great. He and I kinda started this whole friends with benefits thing but I’ve been feeling like we are rekindling our relationship. 

So We’ve been living together, I’ve been expanding my friendship circle and met this really awesome guy. We’ll call him Kevin. 

So I recently found out that Kevin actually likes me more than a friend and I don’t understand. I thought I finally had a guy friend I could vent to about life and the stresses of everything. 

I feel like I still have feelings for Chad but Kevin is so sweet… 

I’m so conflicted and confused about it all and it really hurt but worried I’ll lose Kevin like I lost my fiancée… What should I do? 

— The Rebounding Commitment Issue Mess. 

Dear Mess,

It sounds to me as if you’ve already made your choice. However, I must warn you about a couple of things. 

First, it’s great that you’ve reconnected with Chad, your ex. It’s good that you were able to move past whatever it was that drove you apart. However, I always say in these situations, you broke up in the first place for a reason. Do you remember what that was? If it was something that you can both truly move past and you honestly believe it will not come up again, I wish you the best. If it was something less forgivable, are you glossing over it because your current situation feels nice?

As far as Kevin goes, it doesn’t really seem to me like you’re that into him. Usually when someone describes someone as “sweet”, that’s generally a euphemism for “nice, but I wouldn’t bang them”. I hope for your sake that Kevin really is a true friend and will be okay without the addition of romantic intimacy in your relationship. It is always disappointing when someone you thought was your friend revokes their friendship when sex is taken off the table. I hope this doesn’t happen with Kevin.

Honestly, I don’t think you’re in that much of a mess. You have a couple of decisions to make and then you need to communicate those decisions clearly to the people in your life. This can be daunting and scary, but it is important to do it. Getting murky with your intentions will lead to hurt feelings and upset and no one wants that. I am rooting for you!

— Love, Dolores

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